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Forgive or Not Forgive What is forgiveness in psychology? Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. How Do You Forgive Even When It Feels Impossible? Whether it's a spouse who was unfaithful, a parent who let you down as a child, or a friend who shared something told in confidence, we all must face the question of whether and how to forgive. After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you're presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By forgiving, you let go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to heal. This is the most important thing to know about forgiveness: It is about you not the individual(s) you are forgiving. And while this may sound good in theory, in practice, forgiveness can sometimes feel impossible. To learn how to forgive, you must first learn what forgiveness is not. Most of us hold at least some misconceptions about forgiveness. Here are some things that forgiving someone doesn't mean: Forgiveness doesn't mean: - you are pardoning or excusing the other person's actions - you need to tell the person that he or she is forgiven - you shouldn't have any more feelings about the situation - you should forget the incident ever happened - you have to continue to include the person in your life - isn't something you do for the other person - there is nothing further to work out in the relationship or that everything is okay now By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it. This can be a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily have to include the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness isn't something you do for the person who wronged you; it's something you do for you. So if forgiveness is something you do for yourself and if it can help you heal, why is it so hard? There are several reasons: - you're filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge; you enjoy feeling superior; - you don't know how to resolve the situation; - you're addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides; - you self-identify as a "victim"; or - you're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection—with the other person. These reasons not to forgive can be resolved by becoming more familiar with yourself, with your thoughts and feelings, and with your boundaries and needs. Now that you know what forgiveness is not and why it's so hard to do, ask yourself: Do I want to forgive? Forgiveness requires feeling willing to forgive. Sometimes you won't, because the hurt went too deep, or because the person was too abusive, or expressed no regret. Do not attempt to forgive someone before you have identified, fully felt, expressed, and released your anger and pain. If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts. Then, try following these four steps to forgive even when it feels impossible: 1) Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive, you need to acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you were affected. 2) Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries? Not only did you survive the incident, perhaps you grew from it. 3) Now think about the other person. He or she is flawed because all human beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame of reference because sometimes we all act from our limited beliefs and skewed frames of reference. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way? 4) Finally, decide whether or not you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her. If you decide not to express forgiveness directly, then do it on your own. Say the words, "I forgive you," aloud and then add as much explanation as you feel is merited. Forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will still remember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it. Having worked through the feelings and learned what you need to do to strengthen your boundaries or get your needs met, you are better able to take care of yourself in the future. Forgiving the other person is a wonderful way to honor yourself. It affirms to the universe that you deserve to be happy. Some individuals believe that certain situations are unforgivable. Someone hurts us in a way that feels irreparable and we say, "I will never forgive you." Someone wounds us emotionally or physically or sexually and we think, "That's unforgivable." Yet, we're constantly being told that forgiveness is vital for our mental health. Why? Over the years, I have counseled clients on the ins and outs of forgiveness. Forgiveness is also one of the topics I'm asked about most by clients. What I often hear is that certain things seem unforgivable, certain people don't deserve forgiveness, and that even the concept of forgiveness sounds like something reserved for therapists and spiritual leaders. I'll explain what I mean when I use the word "forgive," why I recommend the healing power of forgiveness, and how to heal even when you don't feel you can forgive the person who hurt you. 1) What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is the letting go of a grievance or judgment that you hold against someone else. When you forgive you also let go of feelings of bitterness, resentment, and vengeance. Many people have difficulty with the word "forgiveness." We imagine forgiveness involves saying, "I forgive you" and includes a hug, pat on the back, or a blessing. That may be true sometimes, but not all the time. Forgiveness doesn't have to involve the other person and it is not for their benefit. (To learn more about what forgiveness is and isn't, please read part one: How Do You Forgive Even When It Feels Impossible?) If the word "forgiveness" bothers you, you don't have to use it (or you could make up a new one). Processing emotional trauma and releasing old wounds is about more than a single word. 2) Why should I forgive? Many studies have shown that practicing forgiveness is good for your emotional and physical health. Anger, bitterness, hate—these emotions weigh heavily on your body and in your thoughts. When you don't process and release your emotions, they remain trapped inside you and can cause physical ailments like stomachaches and high blood pressure and can worsen depression and anxiety. When you forgive and let go of a grievance, you are freeing your body and your mind. Forgiveness isn't the only way to let go of negative emotions, but it's one of the best. 3) Do I have to forgive? I believe that forgiveness can be helpful to many and its ability to heal your wounds may surprise you if you try it. But forcing yourself to forgive before you're ready could actually deepen your feelings of trauma and anger. Don't let anyone (including me!) try to convince you to forgive when you're not ready or don't want to. You are not broken just because you aren't ok with forgiving someone else's misdeeds. 4) So, how do I do it? One simple exercise I do with my patients is a letter-writing exercise. Find a quiet space, some uninterrupted time, and a pen or pencil and paper. Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Write out your feelings, your thoughts, your experiences, and your anger. Remember, this letter is for you. No one else ever has to read it. Now, try writing a second letter with your other hand. Writing with your non-dominate hand (meaning your left hand if you're usually right-handed) can help override the analytical, judgmental part of your brain. You may find your writing is freer and more emotionally honest this way. You want to get all the emotions you've bottled up moving and flowing through your pen. Imagine all of your anger and bitterness and resentment and sadness moving from deep inside your body to the page. Even if you don't think you can ever forgive or you don't want to forgive, a writing exercise like this can help you regain some control over disruptive, negative thoughts. When someone hurt us, it's normal to hold onto feelings of anger and resentment and to want revenge. But, when we cling to our anger because it feels justified, we can't heal. Whether or not you feel that forgiveness can be part of your healing process, the healing process itself is vital. While you heal, keep the focus on yourself. Focus on what you can do to make your life better and more whole. After the writing letter exercise is complete. You may have to start and stop and start again an hour or a day or even a week later. Keep on writing until you know for sure you have completely "dumped" all of the emotions related to the incident or situation into the letters. You and only you will know when you have completed this forgiveness process. Now take a big sigh of relief. Well done!

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