Creating A Positive Attitude
Creating a positive attitude not only helps you, but it helps everyone around you. Think about how you feel in the company of someone who always seems negative. Someone who is always complaining, or always has self-induced health problems, or is always gossiping or making unpleasant statements about someone, everyone, everything.
It is not fun!
Having a positive attitude makes all the difference in how you see the world. Is the cup half full or half empty? Does the day look dreary or is it a beautiful day even when it is raining and cloudy outside?
A few years back I had a friend. Carol and I used to walk the length of Santa Monica park every day. The park overlooks Santa Monica Pier and that big blue beautiful ocean. Every day Carol spent the entirety of the walk talking about her terrible childhood. From what I could tell from her ramblings was that she came from a fairly emotionally healthy family, her father was a very successful businessman, her mother was always available to her, and as the only girl of the family of five kids.
Her biggest complaint was that her father would take her to New York City every year around Christmas to the big department stores and tell her to buy anything, ANYTHING, she wanted in each of the stores. That wasn't her only compaint but the one she talked about the most.
I don’t want to discount her feelings here. I always encourage individuals to talk about their feelings and believe all feelings are valid, simply because they are feelings of the person talking about them. But this went on day after day for a year. And I did validate her feelings and constantly encouraged her to look outside of herself, look around, see the beauty everywhere, especially where we were walking. Palm trees, flower gardens, the pier, the concrete walkway along the part of the beach closest to PCH, and of course, the ocean.
During that year, I took her to the psyche ward of the local hospital twice, and her AA friends took her once (she had been sober for more than 20 years), so when I got a call asking me if I would take her to the hospital again, I refused. It was a day I had several things going on of my own and didn't have the time to sit at the hospital for 6-8 hours. But I did tell her friend that called me that Carol was welcome to come to my home while I worked.
About an hour after I said she was welcome to come to my place, there was a knock at my door. It was, of course, Carol. As soon as I saw her, I knew it was going to be another long day of listening. But listening is very cathartic for me when working.
She shared a big part of her story again. Then, as I did so many times over the last year, asked her if she knew there were beautiful flowers along the street that ran from her apartment to mine. Before she had a chance to answer that question, I said, “Carol, you have talked about nothing but negativity for over a year. We have not discussed one other subject but your feelings about your childhood. You know my childhood and all that went on, and I can tell you that you are the only one in control of whether you switch from negative to positive.
Change your language, change your subject matter from your childhood to the blessings you have today, and move forward. If you stay stuck in your past, you will never be able to have peace until you begin to wake up and decide it’s a new day, new life. I know you’re probably sick of me telling you that, but it’s true. If you would just try it, I think you would be surprised at yourself.”
She stayed for about four hours and listened to me tell her how she could become more positive. Below are a few ideas that I passed along to help her create, develop or increase a positive attitude.
1. Letter writingWrite a compassionate letter to yourself. Describe situations that were positive, and you were happy. Say nice things to yourself about yourself. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments and anything that you’ve done that had a positive effect on you.These questions may help. • What positive qualities do I have? • What strengths do I have? • What am I grateful for?
• What one time or situation in my life did I have fun? • What do I have to look forward to? • What positive thing(s) can I create in my life?
2. Practice positive reappraisalPositive reappraisal is the ability to exert control over your own emotional state. It may involve behaviors such as rethinking a challenging situation to reduce anger or anxiety, hiding visible signs of sadness or fear, or focusing on reasons to feel happy or calm. This exercise is for you to find benefits of positive emotions and decrease your negative emotions. The more you see the positive in what you think, say and do, the less you will see the negative. These are not affirmations. These are valid positive expressions that you are holding inside, while the outside is holding onto the negative.
3. Practice gratitudeGratitude journals and lists are good ways to develop or increase your attitude. Each day look around and see something for which you are grateful. Even if it is just one thing, you can build on it each day. It may be an even more powerful exercise if you write what you had been grateful for the previous day, and then add what you are grateful for today. (Examples I gave Carol was the ocean, the beautiful park, and all the beautiful flowers up and down the streets that adorned homes and apartment buildings.
4. Be stillTake time each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes, and be still. Close your eyes and let your mind be calm. While you are in this meditative state of mind let go of negative thoughts and feelings, which may be disturbing and upsetting. For example, tell yourself, "I am letting go of situation and the feeling attached to it. Now, bring in a vivid image into your mind of something positive. Let the positive in. See, feel it, act on it. As you do this each day, you will begin to feel the negative dissipate, maybe slowly but it will begin to dissipate, and feel positive feelings take control. Remember the song, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. That is what I am telling you to do here. Even if it’s just for a few minutes a day.
Something to RememberIf you’ve ever attended my Barriers to Self-Esteem class, then you know that I believe it’s imperative to work through each of the “barriers”, which includes not giving yourself positive affirmations or forcing positive statements until you know you’ve reached point zero on the scale I use. (See Self-Esteem page in this webside) There is a difference between seeing, saying and acting on positive situations that happened than forcing something you really don't believe. For instance, if you've believed you were stuapid as far back as you can remember and stongly believe today that you are stupid, it's imperitive not to lie to yourself and tell yourself you are smart, intelligent, and whatever word you use to replace the word stupid. It's just as imperative to find out where your thoughts and feelings regarding being stupid came from and working through that first.
On the scale, at point zero, you are not only developing or increasing your attitude, you are building your self-esteem. Building your self-esteem is all about having a positive attitude. Just be sure not to force being positive when it doesn't feel right. The more you work through situations that keep you stuck and begin to practice skills that generate a positive attitude, the happier you wi become.
Of course, no one can be positive every single day of their life. Traumas and tragedies interrupt those feelings. There are stages of grief that are necessary and may be difficult. (See 7 Stages of Grief) But the better overall attitude you have, and the higher your self-esteem, the easier it is getting through these situations.
By the way, my friend Carol called me the next morning.
"Guess what?” she asked.
“I don't know. Tell me.” I answered.
“I woke up this morning and I am happy.” She exclaimed.
“What?” I asked.
“I’m happy.” She said. “I did what you told me to do. I woke up, looked out the window even before I got out of bed, and I said out loud to myself ‘another day in paradise’. You told me that’s what you say when you wake up in the morning and it worked! I’m happy!” she was nearly screaming with joy.
I was happy for her but that was day one. What about day two and day 10 and day 365? How long would this 180-degree turn-around last? Was this mania? Was she manic/depressive and this was an episode? Or was she really as joyful as she sounded.
I am here to tell you that it was, in fact, long-term. According to her, she was sick of herself and wanted to change, but didn’t know how. Even though I must have told her a hundred times what to do, she wasn’t ready to hear it.
I think it may have been because she used up her family, she used up her AA friends, and when I said “no” to taking her to the hospital psyche ward, she realized that she had used me up, too. With no place to go accept UP she decided to take the plunge and spread her wings.
I rarely say “don’t” to anyone, but I am going to say it now. Don’t wait until you have no support system. If you are at your wits end, call an online hotline for depression or someone who can truly help you. On the left side of the main pages of this website are numbers to call. They are ANONYMOUS and they are FREE. Or maybe when you wake up tomorrow morning, look out the window, and you, too, say, “another day in paradise.” See if that helps you at all. Say it a couple of times. If you start to cry, just know that some of the sadness and grief may be coming out of your system through tears. Crying is healthy and very often gives us clarity. You may know that outside you’re not living in paradise. But this is the time to really feel what’s going on on the inside. It’s not uncommon to cry for days, maybe a couple of weeks. If it persists, though, please get in touch with a professional who can help you. Most areas have a women’s support group or clinic. Feel free to contact me.
I rarely say “don’t” to anyone, but I am going to say it now. Don’t wait until you have no support system. If you are at your wits end, call an online hotline for depression or someone who can truly help you. On the left side of the main pages of this website are numbers to call. They are ANONYMOUS and they are FREE. Or maybe when you wake up tomorrow morning, look out the window, and you, too, say, “another day in paradise.” See if that helps you at all. Say it a couple of times. If you start to cry, just know that some of the sadness and grief may be coming out of your system through tears. Crying is healthy and very often gives us clarity. You may know that outside you’re not living in paradise. But this is the time to really feel what’s going on on the inside. It’s not uncommon to cry for days, maybe a couple of weeks. If it persists, though, please get in touch with a professional who can help you. Most areas have a women’s support group or clinic. Feel free to contact me.