7 Stages of Grief
What is Grief?Grief is about loss. Loss is an event that provokes an emotional release called grief. To grieve or grieving is coping with that loss. Death, divorce and the loss of a home, or friends are all major events that people grieve. While everyone’s experience of grief is different, there are common responses to grief that can be useful to recognize if you’re facing a loss.
Important: While grieving or supporting a loved one, practice patience as you work through this difficult time.
Grief is not only a natural response to death or loss, but very necessary. It is an opportunity to appropriately mourn a loss and then heal. The process is helped when you acknowledge grief, find support, and allow time for grief to work.
Causes of grief: Individuals can feel loss when they lose a close family member or friend; they become separated from a loved one; they lose a job, position, or income; a pet dies or runs away; kids leave home; or when they have a major change in life such as getting a divorce, moving, or retiring. The stages of grief: I believe there are seven (7) specific stages of grief. They reflect common reactions people have as they try to make sense of a loss. Children have losses, too, and they grieve as well. The common stages are:1. Shock: Numbness is a normal reaction to a death or loss and should never be confused with "not caring." During this stage, each individual reacts or responds differently. While some individuals may display apparent signs of being “in shock”, others may become very quiet, withdrawn, or detached. There is no particular length of time a person experiences shock, but for many, especially those who have prepared for this loss, shock may last minutes. For others, it could be a hours, weeks, days, even years. I was in shock for five years after my sister committed suicide, several months after I lost my hair to cancer, and several days after the loss of an older friend with an illness. 2. Denial: Not wanting to believe the loss has occurred. Usually, the more sudden the loss, the deeper the denial. Losing a parent, child, spouse in a car crash. Tragedies such as 9/11. Servicemen losing limbs during war. Drowning, fires, floods, murder, are all sudden tragedies. “Oh, no this can’t be happening! This is a nightmare and I will wake up from it!” 3. Bargaining: This stage of grief may be marked by bargaining with God, a higher power, or spiritual entity. “Please, God, don’t let this be true. I will do anything. Please. Just show me or tell me what I need to do.” While in the bargaining stage individual's often blame themselves for the tragedy. "It was my fault. Please let her live. Take me instead.!" 4. Anger: Anger usually happens when we feel helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. The deeper the feelings of abandonment, the deeper the anger. It is not uncommon for individuals to stay in anger for years. It’s definitely not healthy, but it does happen. It's very unhealthy for the person, because this anger is often misplaced on others overtime. The individual experiencing this anger may not ever realize they are stuck in a stage of grief. 5. Sadness: In this stage, we begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. This is often a time of aloneness and truly feeling the sadness. Crying for days, or weeks, sometimes even months is not uncommon. This is a very significant step because this is when we have the opportunity to get to the bottom of the well of sadness, the deepest level, if we let ourselves do so. This is the time to let go of everything that has been bottled up inside since the loss occurred. 6. Acceptance: In time, we can come to terms with all the emotions and feelings we experienced when the death or loss happened. We now accept that the loss has occurred, there’s no denying it. However, it is not uncommon for a person to get to the edge of acceptance, almost there, and suddenly find themselves back in denial, getting angry, or crying over the loss all over again. As the saying goes, “It’s not over till it’s over.” That is definitely true in the case of grieving. 7. Joy: This time is marked by gratitude. The day you feel joy you will know that you have completed the grief process. For some individuals it’s feeling joy for having known and spent time with the person they lost. For others, it may be feeling joy for learning to live a normal life after the loss of a limb. Still others may experience joy in other ways. Know that it doesn't mean you will never have any anger or sadness again. There may be times when a tear drops at the thought of the person, or you find yourself saying, "if only...." The truth is, if you loved that person, you will most likely always have a little sadness when you think about them.
Things that might help resolve grief: First, know that the stages of grief can happen in any order. Although shock and denial are usually the first two stages, and acceptance and joy are the last two stages, the other stages may not happen in any particular order. You may find yourself angry one day and sad the next. You may feel overwhelming sadness that you express through tears and then feel joy the next. That may seem strange, but when we physically express sadness, have a good cry so to speak, especially a lot of sadness, in any given situation, joy often follows. But..... but sadness may return within a day or so, maybe not as powerfully as it was previously, but it may be there. This is normal. Whether we are experiencing extreme sadness due to the dealth of someone very close to us, or we are experiencing sadness over losing a special piece of jewelry, there may be crying one day and feeling joyful the next. For me, sadness becomes all consuming, and when I dump it (cry it out), the relief I feel gives me joy. Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings; allow plenty of time to experience thoughts and feelings; confide in a trusted person about the loss; express feelings openly or write journal entries about them; find bereavement groups in which there are other people who've had similar losses; remember that crying can provide a release; seek professional help if feelings are overwhelming. Many individuals stay stuck in certain stages of grief because they are afraid that if they let go, they won't be able to stop. Common Grieving Events
Causes of grief: Individuals can feel loss when they lose a close family member or friend; they become separated from a loved one; they lose a job, position, or income; a pet dies or runs away; kids leave home; or when they have a major change in life such as getting a divorce, moving, or retiring. The stages of grief: I believe there are seven (7) specific stages of grief. They reflect common reactions people have as they try to make sense of a loss. Children have losses, too, and they grieve as well. The common stages are:1. Shock: Numbness is a normal reaction to a death or loss and should never be confused with "not caring." During this stage, each individual reacts or responds differently. While some individuals may display apparent signs of being “in shock”, others may become very quiet, withdrawn, or detached. There is no particular length of time a person experiences shock, but for many, especially those who have prepared for this loss, shock may last minutes. For others, it could be a hours, weeks, days, even years. I was in shock for five years after my sister committed suicide, several months after I lost my hair to cancer, and several days after the loss of an older friend with an illness. 2. Denial: Not wanting to believe the loss has occurred. Usually, the more sudden the loss, the deeper the denial. Losing a parent, child, spouse in a car crash. Tragedies such as 9/11. Servicemen losing limbs during war. Drowning, fires, floods, murder, are all sudden tragedies. “Oh, no this can’t be happening! This is a nightmare and I will wake up from it!” 3. Bargaining: This stage of grief may be marked by bargaining with God, a higher power, or spiritual entity. “Please, God, don’t let this be true. I will do anything. Please. Just show me or tell me what I need to do.” While in the bargaining stage individual's often blame themselves for the tragedy. "It was my fault. Please let her live. Take me instead.!" 4. Anger: Anger usually happens when we feel helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. The deeper the feelings of abandonment, the deeper the anger. It is not uncommon for individuals to stay in anger for years. It’s definitely not healthy, but it does happen. It's very unhealthy for the person, because this anger is often misplaced on others overtime. The individual experiencing this anger may not ever realize they are stuck in a stage of grief. 5. Sadness: In this stage, we begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. This is often a time of aloneness and truly feeling the sadness. Crying for days, or weeks, sometimes even months is not uncommon. This is a very significant step because this is when we have the opportunity to get to the bottom of the well of sadness, the deepest level, if we let ourselves do so. This is the time to let go of everything that has been bottled up inside since the loss occurred. 6. Acceptance: In time, we can come to terms with all the emotions and feelings we experienced when the death or loss happened. We now accept that the loss has occurred, there’s no denying it. However, it is not uncommon for a person to get to the edge of acceptance, almost there, and suddenly find themselves back in denial, getting angry, or crying over the loss all over again. As the saying goes, “It’s not over till it’s over.” That is definitely true in the case of grieving. 7. Joy: This time is marked by gratitude. The day you feel joy you will know that you have completed the grief process. For some individuals it’s feeling joy for having known and spent time with the person they lost. For others, it may be feeling joy for learning to live a normal life after the loss of a limb. Still others may experience joy in other ways. Know that it doesn't mean you will never have any anger or sadness again. There may be times when a tear drops at the thought of the person, or you find yourself saying, "if only...." The truth is, if you loved that person, you will most likely always have a little sadness when you think about them.
Things that might help resolve grief: First, know that the stages of grief can happen in any order. Although shock and denial are usually the first two stages, and acceptance and joy are the last two stages, the other stages may not happen in any particular order. You may find yourself angry one day and sad the next. You may feel overwhelming sadness that you express through tears and then feel joy the next. That may seem strange, but when we physically express sadness, have a good cry so to speak, especially a lot of sadness, in any given situation, joy often follows. But..... but sadness may return within a day or so, maybe not as powerfully as it was previously, but it may be there. This is normal. Whether we are experiencing extreme sadness due to the dealth of someone very close to us, or we are experiencing sadness over losing a special piece of jewelry, there may be crying one day and feeling joyful the next. For me, sadness becomes all consuming, and when I dump it (cry it out), the relief I feel gives me joy. Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings; allow plenty of time to experience thoughts and feelings; confide in a trusted person about the loss; express feelings openly or write journal entries about them; find bereavement groups in which there are other people who've had similar losses; remember that crying can provide a release; seek professional help if feelings are overwhelming. Many individuals stay stuck in certain stages of grief because they are afraid that if they let go, they won't be able to stop. Common Grieving Events
Support Groups and National NetworksThe National Alliance for Grieving Children - (866) 432-1542National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement - 1-877-53-NCSCBThe Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families - (503) 775-5683Right at Home - (877) 697-7537Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors - 1-800-959-TAPSThe Compassionate Friends - 1-877-969-0010Hand to Hold - (855) 424-6428The MISS Foundation - 1-888-455-MISSThe COPE Foundation - (516 832-2673)