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What is Emotional Abandonment? When discussing emotional abandonment, we must always talk about childhood, since that’s where emotional abandonment begins. The individual who chooses partners who are never available can most likely trace back to a childhood of having parents or caregivers who were never there for them as a child. So, we need to take a look at what emotional abandonment is and is not, the difference between emotional and physical abandonment, and how to move beyond the emotional struggles that keep you stuck. Some of this information may seem redundant. Since emotional abandonment contributes greatly to unsuccessful relationships, it needs to be understood. Emotional Abandonment is not having your emotional needs met over a period of time by a parent, caregiver or someone else that is significate to your emotional health. When a parent or other caregiver doesn’t give you time, doesn’t talk to you, yells at you a lot, criticizes you, pushes you away, or just doesn’t care if you exist or not, on a regular basis, you are, by all accounts, being emotionally abandoned. This includes those significant individuals not noticing their child’s feelings and validating them, not showing love, encouragement, or support. Children rely on their parents or caregivers to meet their physical and emotional needs. And because young children are completely dependent on their parents or caregivers, emotional abandonment, or having emotionally unavailable parents or caregivers, has a profound effect on them. This can leave an individual feeling rejected, unloved, or painfully lonely, sometimes desperately so. As a child, you may not have understood that it wasn’t you that didn’t matter, it was the person taking care of you that had a problem. But it was you that took on a sense of worthlessness, low self-esteem and self-destructive behaviors. Those are obvious forms of emotional abandonment. There is another type as well. It is when the parent(s) and/or caregivers overprotect, suffocate, or control a child’s every move. These adult individuals, parents or caregivers, are projecting their own fear or distrust onto the child. Age appropriate, of course, children need to be given space, trust, and room to breathe, think, and make decisions on their own. When these are taken away because of something the parent or caregiver hasn’t dealt with in their own lives, the child is the one who suffers from unresolved emotional issues of the adult in charge. One of the worst behaviors a parent or other caregiver can do to a child is to not be there for the child. The damage done to the child who has been emotionally abandoned, as an adult, will be significant and should not be ignored. The difference between physical abandonment and emotional abandonment. Physical abandonment is when a parent or caregiver isn’t physically present or doesn’t meet their child’s physical needs. Physical abandonment includes: a mother abandoning her child, a parent not being physically present due to losing custody, being incarcerated, or traveling extensively for work. It also includes leaving young children unsupervised and not protecting them from abuse or danger. How does emotional abandonment affect children as an adults? Here, we must take a look at how emotional abandonment affects children as adults. Adults who make decisions. Emotional abandonment color actions and reactions, behaviors, level of self-esteem, and ability to communicate effectively, of an adult will come from a place of trauma and interfere with this adult’s ability to an emotional healthy, successful life. Unfortunately, these adults will react to situations from this place of shame and sadness, even anger, and a sense of worthlessness buried deep inside. Abandonment is loss. When it is chronic or happens repeatedly it’s traumatic and the loss is deeper. Loss must be grieved in order for an individual to begin a journey toward healthy emotions. Abandonment is an extremely painful experience for a child. The child feels rejected and can’t understand why their parents aren’t available and attentive. And in order to make sense of their behavior, they assume they have done something wrong to repel their parents. They come to believe They were unworthy of their parents love and attention. These feelings become internalized as shame and a deep sense of being inadequate, unlovable, and worthless. As an adult, these feelings effect every decision this individual makes. Effect of Emotional Abandonment Children depend on their parents or caregivers to meet their physical and emotional needs. So, when parents don’t reliably meet your needs whether it’s your need for food and shelter or your need for emotional support and validation you learn that others aren’t trustworthy, that you can’t count on others to be there for you. Chronic childhood abandonment can create a generalized feeling of insecurity — a belief that the world isn’t safe, and people aren’t dependable. This can cause a child to anticipate and fear abandonment, rejection, and betrayal in adult relationships. Abandonment leads to feeling unworthy and ashamed. As we have already mentioned, it’s a parent’s or caregiver’s job to take care of their children. But children can’t possibly understand why their parents or caregivers don’t act in loving ways towards them. Their limited reasoning abilities lead them to erroneously conclude that they are the reason for their parent’s rejection, they aren’t worthy of their parent’s love, they aren’t good enough. Otherwise, their parents would notice them, listen to them, and care about them. As an adult you may find yourself repeating a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners or friends who abandon or betray you. This is an unconscious pattern of choosing what’s familiar and what we think we deserve, and a deep desire to recreate the past with a different outcome and thus, prove that we are lovable. How do children cope with feelings of shame and inadequacy that result from abandonment? Children internalize these experiences as shame, which is the belief that “I’m wrong or bad” and “I’m unworthy of love, protection, and attention.” Abandoned children learn to suppress their feelings, needs, interests, and parts of their personalities in order to feel acceptable. Some children become people-pleasers and perfectionists afraid to speak up for fear of displeasing or being a nuisance, chasing accomplishments such as perfect grades, sports trophies, or other awards to prove they’re worthy. You learned that in order to be accepted and loved, you can’t make any mistakes, act up, need anything, or express any negative or vulnerable emotions. Many emotionally abandoned children become depressed and anxious. As children and adults, they act out their pain by hurting themselves or others, breaking rules, and numbing their feelings with drugs and alcohol. None of these attempts to cope people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-harm, or drugs can ever fill the hole left by a lack of unconditional love and acceptance from your parents. As adult women, you may find yourself in co-dependent relationships, willing to do ANYTHING in order to get even a morsal of love and affection. If your parents physically abandoned you, they also emotionally abandoned you. However, emotional abandonment often occurs without physical abandonment. Like childhood emotional neglect, emotional abandonment is about what didn’t happen. It is the loss of emotional connection and the loss of having your emotional needs met. It is possible that parents provided for all of the physical needs, such as a warm place to live, food in the refrigerator, clothes that fit, medicine when you were physically sick, but they ignored your emotional needs and weren’t emotionally available. Emotional abandonment is more common than physical abandonment. Parents emotionally abandon their children for a variety of reasons. Often there’s a lot of stress and chaos in the family, such as violence, verbal abuse, or a parent struggling with addiction or mental illness. Sometimes, parents are distracted by caring for a sick family member, grief, financial problems, or other major stressors that deplete their emotional reserves. As a result, the child’s needs get ignored. She feels both unseen and unheard. She is convinced she doesn’t matter. As an adult this woman who was once an emotionally abandoned child either acts in and withdraws from society in an effort to keep her secret, the secret that she doesn’t matter, hidden from everyone, including herself. Or she acts out, becomes the perfect everything—the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect child or children, the perfect friend. Everyone loves her and is amazed by how perfect she is in all areas of life. Everywhere to everyone accept when she is alone. Just like the woman above who withdraws because she doesn’t want anyone to know her secret, this perfect person has the same secret. She hides it well. To herself she believes if anyone found out who she really is, the little girl that didn’t matter to anyone, all grown up and terrified on the inside afraid one day someone is going to find out. How to begin healing feelings of shame and unworthiness? Journaling It is important that you feel the feelings. Yes, this is about healing those unwanted feelings. However, in order to discharge them you must bring them to the surface. One of the most powerful ways to do that is by writing. Let that little girl out, let her look back on how it felt when no one seemed to care enough to give you what you needed. Feel the feelings as you write. If it is shame and sadness, cry it out. If it is anger express it (safely). Whatever the feeling, feel it and write about it. Share It with Others Shame lives in our secrets. We don’t usually talk about our shame. That’s the whole point of hiding it, so no one knows we are carrying a load of shame around every minute of every day. Doing so triggers those old and not so old fears that if anyone knows who you really are, it may lead to blame and rejection. That’s why it’s important to talk about our shame in a safe, trustworthy place. A place where others in the group are also dealing with having been emotionally abandoned and experience shame as well. Group therapy, a 12-step support group, religious or spiritual leader, or a counselor/therapist who can help you begin to let go of the shame and get to the core of who you are today. Undo the Damage I teach as class, or rather a series of classes on Building Self-Esteem. Those individuals who attend my classes, whether in person or online, are all dealing with abandonment issues. I did, too. For many years, I lived with many secrets that were a result of being abandoned, first physically abandoned by my mother, which tagged me as an orphan, then by my foster parents, who provided me with enough shame and guilt, rejection, and various types of abuse. The self-esteem classes are a result of what I worked through to become a functional adult with the ability to help others the way I helped myself. In the self-esteem class I present seven things that are significant in becoming a healthy, functioning adult with healthy self-esteem. Although I believe in rewiring your thinking, I believe that it is of the utmost importance to undue the damage caused by having been emotionally (or physically) abandoned first. After all, you wouldn’t pour fresh milk into a glass that is already half full of sour milk. No. You would first dump out the glass of sour milk, clean the glass, then pour a nice glass of fresh milk. That may seem like an odd example but think about it. Right now, you have unwanted feelings and beliefs filling up space that should be filled with joy and happiness, feeling of being free from the bondage of all the negativity that comes with negative core beliefs and feelings. Rewire Your Thinking As I mentioned above, you will need to correct the false beliefs that you continue to hold onto and use to define yourself. Once you complete the steps above, and I hope one of those steps is to attend one of my (free) self-esteem classes, then it will be necessary to re-evaluate who you are and what you now believe about yourself. A new belief system will create a new way of thinking. You might find it helpful to read these regularly, adding or changing them to better fit your needs. •Childhood abandonment was not my fault. My parents weren’t able to understand and attend to my emotional needs. That was a failing on their part, not mine. •My emotional needs are valid. It is normal to feel a wide range of feelings and express them in healthy ways. •My feelings of unworthiness are based on false assumptions that I made as a child. Over the years, I’ve looked for evidence to reinforce this belief. But now I can look for and find evidence that I have good qualities. Validate Your Needs Emotional abandonment tells you that your needs don’t matter. This isn’t true and it is essential that you correct this notion by telling ourselves repeatedly that your needs are legitimate just like everyone else’s needs. Because it doesn’t come naturally to us, we have to create a new habit of identifying our feelings and needs. Perhaps, try writing them down at predetermined times throughout the day (such as at mealtimes). Just like writing down your thoughts and feelings in step one, this is also very important for your growth as a healthy adult. Once you are aware of these beliefs and you do believe they belong to you, then you will be able to meet more of your own needs, and take the uncomfortable, yet essential, step of telling our loved ones what we need from them. That is a big step, but remember, you deserve to have your needs met the way YOU want them met. Love Yourself Emotional abandonment also tells you that you’re unlovable. The best way to start healing is to love yourself more. Ask yourself these questions: •Do I say kind things to myself? •Do I ever encourage myself to try new things and challenge myself? •Do I notice my progress and effort? •Do I comfort myself in healthy ways when I am sad or disappointed? •Do I treat my body in loving ways? •Do I value self-care? Do I surround myself with supportive people? •Do I invest in things that will increase my joy, happiness, health, and wellbeing? Those are just some of the loving things you can do for yourself. If you know how to treat your family, friends or children with love, then you know how to do it for yourself. It just takes intention and practice.

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