Child sexual abuse has become an epidemic in America and beyond and should not be taken lightly. 

Children face sexual abuse from trusted religious leaders including ministers, community leaders, family members (even a parent, step parent or grandparent), medical providers including doctors, teachers, neighbors, trusted friend or spouse of a friend, babysitter, gardener, just about anyone. No, let me make it anyone who is male.

Unfortunately, according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), 93% of victims of sexual abuse know their abusers. See what I mean. That means just 7% are strangers.

I can NOT stress the signifcance of the first statement enough. That is why it's in red. I hate to think we live in a society where we can't trust even those closest to us with our children but that's the reality. In my estimate from experience and experiences told to me by other girls and women, I would NOT leave my child with ANYONE who is male.

My practice for the last 30-plus years have been about helping girls and women who have been abused, sexually abused, incested or raped.  Not only was I sexually abused by numerous trusted older boys and men, but I have counseled hundreds of girls and women who have been sexually by men NO ONE could imagine would EVER do such a thing,  

Several of my clients were daughters of ministers who stood behind the pulpit on Sunday mornings knowing they were sexually abusing their daughter(s). There are doctors, lawyers, steel mill workers, salesmen, politicians, white collar workers, blue collar workers, race car drivers, rich men, poor men, men who never touched a drink, and those who come home drunk every night. Men from ALL walks of life. I say men because I have never had a female client, or any other female for that matter, tell me that she had been sexually abused by a woman.

Honestly, I think the only place in this country where men aren't sexually abusing girls or women are the men who are in prison. I don't know about the men who work for the womens' prison system, though. It's been common knowledge that some women in prison are being sexually abuse by guards and have even become pregnant.

It is a blessing that I have never had a daughter, because knowing what I know -- that the trusted and beloved man is often the most sexually abusive offender -- I don't know if I would have be capable of trusting her with anyone. I would never have felt okay leaving her out of my sight. 
Abusers often convince their victims that no one will believe them, they are at fault, or they will hurt someone close to them if they tell. Therefore, victims of child sexual abuse often keep the abuse a secret. The fear of those threats often keep the abuse perpetuated for years. (The threat that kept me silent was that I would have to go back to the place where orphans in that city stayed, a place I knew all too well, a place that was terrifying to me.)
As parents, teachers, and trusted adults within the community, we must learn to spot child sexual abuse and child abuse victims. When speaking with or dealing with children, look for these signs to determine if there is an issue that requires immediate attention. (Scroll down)

What Is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse occurs when a child experiences sexual advances or contact from an adult or another minor. Child sexual abuse may occur in any of the following ways:•	Asking a child to strip in front of you•	Masturbating in front of a child•	Touching a child’s genitals or private areas•	Inappropriately touching a child.•	Watching, looking at, or possessing child pornography•	Watching pornography with a child•	Penetrating a child with a finger, penis, or object.•	Forcing a child to touch herself in front of the abuser or on camera•	Taking naked photos or videos of a child
•	Forcing a child to perform oral sex on you
•	Flirting with a child
•	Giving inappropriate attention to a child or teen
•	Overly kissing or hugging a child or teen
•	Giving gifts to a child

The following points will help you take notice of child sexual abuse.

1. Does the Child Complain That He Does NOT Want to Visit Someone?Child sexual abuse victims may not tell someone about the abuse. Instead, they may refuse to visit certain people. They may cry every time they have to see a relative, go to a community event, or even attend religious services.

If a child typically enjoys these activities, trying to avoid them is a huge red flag. It may indicate child sexual abuse. It may also indicate other forms of child abuse. Be aware, however, your child may never admit the reason relates to abuse,  especially if the abuser has made threats, such as "if you tell I will hurt yourparents"  or someone else close to the victim.

2. Does an Adult Provide Your Child and/or You with Inappropriate Gifts and Affection?Child sexual abusers will not only work to gain a child’s trust. He will also work to gain the parent’s trust. This behavior is known as grooming.  A sexual abuser will groom a child and family to accept the behavior as normal. They will work to convince everyone involved to trust him and allow him time alone with the child.

Grooming is another way an abuser can convince a child that reporting sexual abuse will be ignored. The abuser convinces a child that everyone trusts him and knows he would never do anything wrong to hurt a child. He would use phrases like, “Do you think your Mommy and Daddy would let me around you if they thought I would hurt you.”

The child may even begin to repeat things said by the abuser because she thinks the abuser wants what is best. Pay attention to these comments and ideas. They may be red flags that your child is experiencing grooming or sexual abuse.

3. Is Your Child Beginning to Act Out in School and Home?Victims of child sexual abuse may begin to act out in places where they were well-behaved. They may exhibit aggression, anger, and inappropriate sexual behaviors. These behaviors may relate to many issues. If your child exhibits these behaviors, they are exhibiting red flag behaviors.

When you see these behaviors, it is best to discuss them with your child first. Ask your child why she is acting out. Talk to your pediatrician and other professionals to get an idea of why your child is acting out.

4. Has Your Child’s Behavior Changed?Victims of child sexual abuse will exhibit strange behaviors. They may start to withdraw from others. They may begin sleeping in your room or stop sleeping altogether. Maybe your child will start wetting the bed at night. 

Your child may have nightmares. Have your child describe the nightmare to you.  Are there any monsters in the child's description. Maybe ask your child to draw an image of the nightmare.  Phallic symbols (that which may broadly represent a penis)  may include: a stick, a post, trees, knife, dagger, skyscraper, a fast car, a fire, a storm, a big barn that has someone hiding inside. Has she drawn herself small and someone, such as a person or "monster" a lot larger. Is it colored black.  Or bright red.  Ask the name of the person or monster.

(Please note: just because the above mentioned items are included in a drawing doesn't mean your child was sexually abused.  Children often draw pictures of barns and trees and tall buildings. However, if they are consistently drawing these things, pay attention to see if it is an unspoken message.)

Listen to how the dream is explained, such as "I was running really really fast and the monster was running after me. I was so afraid (he) was going to get me and hurt me."  Or, "I wanted to hit/punch the monster but it was too big." Or, "there was a man in my dream and he hurt me."

Listen! Listen! Listen!

An older child or teenager who may be somewhat or very artistic may change the way their art is presented to severe lines and angry images.  They may change the way they dress to dark drab clothes. She may begin to put on weight, cut her hair, wear more make-up, or harm herself by fainting, hitting or cutting herself. She may drop her current friends and begin to run with "the wrong crowd". She may begin to drink, smoke, vape, and/or take drugs. If she already had sex, she may begin to have sex with anyone, anyone who can validate her shame and worthliness, and/or take away her pain. She may be suicidal. She may not take action to commit suicide, but she may constantly wish she were dead. 

Confronting an older child or teen and/or making threats to take away privileges  is not how you get answers to the when, why, what where, and how of their current behavior. If you have reason to be concerned, I urge you to consult a psychologist.  Feel free to contact me.         

The reason I suggest a psychologist (therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual abuse)  is this. This is my opinion and only my opinion. Having been a victim of child sexual abuse from early childhood through my teens,  and then specializing in abuse, sexual abuse and incest for over 30 years, I've learned several things. 

1) Do NOT make an appointment with a therapist or counselor for the child or teen without their permission.  You may approach your child with something like, "Honey, (if you use endearments) it looks like something might be going on with you. Would you like to talk to me or someone else?" At this point, don't use the word therapist or counselor. If she asks who, have a female name ready to tell her.  (I am a firm believer that males need to be counseled by a male professional and females by a female therapist or counselor.) If she asks who that person is, the word counselor is often better accepted than the word therapist. More importantly is that she asked. Just give her the name and wait for her response. If she is a teen, you may suggest her calling the person "if you would like to talk to someone else other than me." 

If she refuses, keep an eye on her, and approach her a week or two weeks later.  Rather than asking her again if she wants to see someone, offer her the written name of the professional with their phone number. If this person has a website, include the website address.  Just make it simple, like "here, I want to give this to you in case you need it." THAT'S IT! She may respond, she may not. She may take it, crumble it, and throw it in the garbage, she may not. You don't wait to see what she does, but you do not ask her any questions, you don't do anything. Casually turn and walk away.

I know how mothers like to solve problems for their child no matter how old they are. The more loving the mother, the more she wants to get "involved" in working it out. "I'm here if you need me" will suffice at this point, if you need to say something. Then leave it alone.  I can almost promise you, that if you give her space, she will eventually go to you or the person who's name is on the paper or someone else she trusts. (Trust is the important operative here)

If going into her bedroom is not violating any teen boundaries, leave the info on her desk with a note that says, "I'm here if you need me. No matter what it is, I'm here."

If she's being sexually abused by someone you know, it may be very difficult for her to confide in you, no matter how much she loves you. In fact, it may be because she loves you. 

For me, along with several other men, who, by the way, went to our church, was my foster father. I was terrified of my foster mother finding out because I was sure that if she did, I would be taken back to the orphanage. In fact, I told no one until I was in my 20's. (About Lee Davis)

2) Unless she asked, do not take her to church or to religious leaders for help.  Sexual abuse is a shaming experience for the victim.  Having worked with victims of all ages, even many adult women, I have learned that being in a religious environment for the soul purpose of praying for her or helping her in the name of anyone, further induces shame. 

SHAME IS DISTRUCTIVE! 

Shame causes the lowest form of self-esteem, and often takes the child or teen or woman to a place of no return.  (Self-Esteem Matters) It destroys self-confidence and self-preservation. It has the ability to turn a normal functional individual at any age into a rageful, distant, uncommunicative person who desperately needs help.  

Shame also induces guilt. Most of the girls and women I've worked with over the years live with a tremendous amount of guilt. No matter how many times she is told it wasn't her fault, somewhere in her being she doesn't believe that.  Even though out society is getting a little better with turning things around for victims of sexual abuse, incest, and rape, there is still many individuals who say, "why didn't she make it stop?" Or, "she must have liked it to have let it go on for so many years." Or, "she brought it on herself."  And I love this one. "If she didn't dress that way she wouldn't have been sexually abused" or "raped". 

I remember the day after I was raped. It was a Monday, and I went to work as usual, but wore sunglasses most of the day since I had also been beaten and had two black eyes. At the end of the workday, I got onto the elevator and a man I knew, a very professional man, who actually managed the department where he was employed also got on the elevator. There were only the two of us. He asked why I had been wearing sunglasses then commented that I must have an abusive boyfriend. After I explained that I had been pulled into a car by three men at gunpoint, beaten and raped, his only response was, "what were you wearing?"

Shame and guilt, anger, rage and fear.  These are just a few of the feeling that sexual abuse victims experience.  This individual, whether it is a child, teen or adult woman, needs a safe place to let those feelings out. Again, unless this individual overtly ask for it, church or to religious leaders is not the place.  In many cases, adult women who were sexually abused, incested, or raped as a child or teen, who were forced to pray or go to church or talk to religious leaders had more difficulty moving forward in their lives because they were stuck in a shame and/or guilt spiral.

3) This is a hard one for me to talk about because it is a subject that will anger a lot of professionals in the mental health field. But, please let me reiterate here that this is only my  opinion, based on information I received from clients and my own experience. 

4) Do NOT take your child or teen to a psychiatrist.  Today, life seems to be a number's game, especially in the mental health field. Treatment and recovery centers need money to survive. The "doctors" at these facilities more often than not are psychiatrists who also have private practices.  Clients in the office soon become patients in the treatment/recovery centers or mental hospitals. Especially if the client has good insurance. The better the insurance, the longer the stay.

Then there are the psychiatrists who are not part of a facility, but think drugs solve all problems. It was atrocious the number of children who were diagnosed with ADHD and put on ritalin in the '90's.  Ritalin is one of the oldest and best-known medications for ADHD and still being used today.  A few of the most common side effects of this drug are headaches and stomachaches, irritability and moodiness, nervousness, and weight loss.  Since some sexual abuse victims act out their  emotions,  it is mistaken for ADHD and put on ritalin. 

I saw my grandson (who's mother insisted he take the drug)  become very lethargic, sluggish, sometimes even drowsy.  This was a child who was funny, told jokes, laughed a lot and was full of energy. Unfortunately, he irritated a few teachers with his outspoken jovial behaviors. After being sent to the office several times, ALAS! there was a solution..... medication......Ritalin! Let's drug the kid so he is no longer the happy, cheerful kid that he is currently. Let's make him lazy and with no desire to express his clowning around.

Let me make something clear here. I believe in children learning self-discipline. It's necessary from kindergarten through adulthood. If we didn't learn self-discipline, usually taught by  parents or other caregivers, we would have a very chaotic society.  Drugs are not self-discipline. And I am not saying that there is no truth to ADHD.  I believe there are children, teens and adults who have ADHD.

I'm certain that if there had been a diagnosis for ADHD when I was a kid I would have been diagnosed with it for sure. I definitely had attention deficits and I was very hyperactive. I acted out, I craved attention and was often outspoken. I went to the principal's office several times. Back in the days teachers were permitted to paddle students, I got the paddle across my butt many times.

But it was not drugs that I needed. I needed to know I was loved, something I never felt at any age as a child. I needed a safe place to tell the "secrets" of predators I was forced to keep, but I never had that kind of safety. I needed not to be put into positions where predators could use and abuse me.  I really just needed someone I could trust and talk to. 

I did what a lot of children and teens do to get rid of some of that hyper activeness. I lived in the country and used to run through the fields, into the woods, and up and down the hill.  I wasn't in any sports at school, but I am sure that would have helped as well. Physical release is what helped me and would have helped my grandson. And it did when he was off the medication due to financial difficulties of his mother. (My grandson was not my biological grandson, but the half brother of my granddaughter. He started calling me grandma when he was two years old, and referred to me as grandma up until he died at age thirty. I loved that boy as much as my granddaugher and miss him every day.) 

Back to the subject at hand, I would never feel comfortable referring anyone to a psychiatrist. 

I went to a psychiatrist in my early 20's after my husband became ill.  I sold my business for what I owed on it to take care of my husband. But we were now living on his miniscule disability payments and could barely pay the rent and utilities. I went outside the home once a week and subsidized our income in a manner that was not acceptable to me that I wanted to stop. 

Since SSI gives the spouse of someone who is on disability a paid visit to a psychiatrist (no therapist on the list), I decided to use that visit.  What I needed was someone to tell me options I may have in my current position. Instead, she listened for 15 minutes, then prescribed lithium. 

I got the prescription filled and after two days of taking it as prescribed, I was totally numbed out and barely able to function. It felt like my head was in a cloud and I couldn't think clearly. Fortunately, I still had enough wits about me to realize it was the lithium. I took the bottle and dumped the pills down the toilet. (This was before the days of knowing that pharmaceuticals can pollute our water and unintentionally expose us to the chemicals.) 

Years later, in conversation about lithium and ritalin, several professionals, including psychiatrists, I've met in the mental health field have told me that ritalin is the replacement for lithium.  

I use myself as examples because I can give you firsthand experiences, but I am not alone in my thinking today. Psychologists, therapists, counselors, coaches, I love what they do. It is not prescribing drugs. Ever. Prescribing drugs requires a medical degree. 

Psychiatrists have the medical degree and the power to prescribe any drugs they want.  Pharmaceutical fentanyl is available as a lozenge, pill, nasal/sublingual spray, transdermal patch, or as an injection. It is addictive! Psychiatrist know it is addictive! Deaths from fentanyl far exceed overdoses from other opioids – nearly four times overdose deaths are caused by prescription opioids, 14,716 in 2023.  It is addictive!!! And the same psychiatrists who prescribe the drugs are more than likely the same psychiatrists who refer their drug addicted clients to treatment centers. 

I know that seems a little off the subject of sexual abuse, incest and rape, but I think it's important to know that if you take your child to a psychiatrist, there is a strong chance this child or teen will be prescribed drugs. Problems related to sexual abuse, incest and rape is NOT the solution. The child or teen needs a safe place to deal with related issues. 

3) Do not call her a liar! If she confides in you or you learn her truth from someone else, NO MATTER WHO SHE NAMES AS THE OFFENDER, even if it is someone very, very close to you, you do not call her a liar. 

There have been few instances where a small child gets confused and names the wrong perpetrator, but that seldom happens. Victims know. Unless it's a complete stranger, as it was when I was raped, the victim knows who did it. Too often the parent, or caregiver, or someone who doesn't want that person to be the offender, will try to talk the child, even their own teen daughter, out of the truth or point them in another direction. 

It is devastating for the victim to have come forward and is now being brainwashed to say something else.  It is even more devastating when the victim is absolutely sure who the offender is and is being called a liar.  I can't tell you how many women I have counseled who were called liars after they told their mothers the truth about who sexually abused her.

5. Is Your Child in Pain?Sometimes child sexual abuse results in pain for a child. Your child may experience burning or itching in their genital areas. They may be sore and bruised around their genitals and thighs. They may have a problem sitting or walking correctly.  (To this day I can remember the burning sensation of dry fingers going in and out of me and how hard it was to walk after that.)

This pain is often associated with child sexual abuse. There are very few reasons a child should experience such pain. Furthermore, the pain may indicate a sexually transmitted disease (STD). If pain, discharge, or blood is present near a child’s genitals or in their underwear, you must seek medical attention. Be prepared. If you do not report the issue to the authorities, the medical provider will. If you are a teacher or other trusted adult that notices such an issue, you must report the issue to the authorities before the child can seek medical attention.

What Should You Do If You Suspect Child Sexual Abuse?

If you suspect a child is the victim of sexual abuse, contact the authorities. You can easily call the local police or child abuse hotline to report abuse. You may report the abuse anonymously. However, you must provide detail regarding the child and the suspected abuse information.

Some individuals are mandatory reporters. These people include teachers, medical care providers, and mental healthcare providers. These individuals must report suspected abuse, no matter what.

They must report it, even if they think there is a chance the changes are related to other issues and not child sexual abuse. If there is an inkling of any possibility of abuse, these mandatory reporters must call the authorities.

How Can a Child Victim of Sexual Abuse Receive Justice?

Victims of child sexual abuse often file criminal charges against their abusers. As a result, they are witnesses to criminal actions. Knowing their abusers are thrown in jail can be a great justice. However, they also must relive the details of the horrific experience. Therefore, they must experience the raw trauma all over again in front of a judge.

Your child and you, as the parent, can also file a civil lawsit. The law allows child sexual abuse victims to file a civil lawsuit against their abuser even as adults. Most laws offer adults the right to file a civil lawsuit against their abusers many years after their 18th birthday.

A civil lawsuit allows the victim to become a plaintiff in the process. Victims receive compensation as plaintiffs in the lawsuit. Furthermore, even if the criminal charges do not stick or the victim misses the opportunity to file a criminal lawsuit, he can still file a civil lawsuit against the abuser.