𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘃𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 From Personal Growth to Professional Development My style to help girls and women is warm, down-to-earth, and approachable. I come to each person with an open mind and compassion for each individual’s unique journey. In counseling, which means delving into the individual’s past, self-disclosure often helps clients feel accepted and comfortable opening up, which allows them to do the hard work of examining their lives more deeply. Coaching draws from an individual’s history also. The same issues that keep a person stuck as an individual, in a relationship and with friends, often keeps them stuck on the job. Although the approach is from a professional perspective, and reaching career goals is the focus, it’s often necessary to pinpoint when particular issues began. Let’s take a look at these examples below for both Counseling and Coaching 𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 For instance, Mary Ellen, an executive woman at an investor relations company, is having a difficult time preparing herself to speak in front of a large group for the first time. Every time she thinks she has a grasp on what she knows she needs to say, her voice shakes, and she hears a voice telling her, “Don’t even think about trying to talk to that group. They don’t want to hear what you have to say. You’re a failure and a fraud. You’re boring and you will never get it right. Don’t even try.” After several attempts of trying to move forward, instead of honoring her commitment to speak, she passes it on to a subordinate. Instead, she sat with burning tears behind her eyes and a lump in her throat. Voices in her head from early childhood triggered her fear of failure. Compared to her very pretty older sister most of her life, her sister that had everything come easy to her, especially schoolwork. Mary Ellen struggled with school and felt less than. Less than her sister. Less than her other siblings. Less than her friends. Less than strangers. Always. Even before taking a test in school, sometimes days before, she told herself she wouldn’t answer the questions on the test right. When she studied, it was not with the joy of getting a good grade, but with the fear of flunking another test. She never tried out for any sports because she was convinced that she was too clumsy and wouldn’t do the right thing for the team. Afterall, her family validated most of her fears with insults and criticisms. She was never sure how she got in the position she currently held in this company, but feared that if anyone, especially higher ups, really knew her and how stupid she really was, they would let her go. This fear propelled her forward to do more than was expected of her. Some would think that was a good thing, but for Mary Ellen it was exhausting constantly trying to prove her worth. Then she was asked to speak in front of this group. Fear of looking incompetent, she agreed to take on the task. The entire time she spent writing the speech, she was sure that she couldn’t have all those eyes staring at her and judging her. She judged herself so sharply, she couldn’t afford to have anyone else judging her. And, now, here she was, a total failure. Surely her boss could see that, too, especially now that she held back from speaking. *********************** Christine was the last of five children and the only girl. As long as she could remember, her parents thought she hung the moon and constantly let her know it. She wanted for nothing throughout her childhood. As a teen she had beautiful clothes, the latest in make-up, purses, shoes, and accessories galore. Her perfect bedroom with a canopy bed and matching furniture, along with all her “stuff” looked more like a department store than where a teenage girl lived. But that was the way she liked it, or so she said. Even her grandparents inundated her with hugs and kisses, compliments, and gifts. She was very pretty, had lots of girlfriends and boyfriends, and was often “the life of the party”. To many, she was the happiest person they ever met. But it was a completely different story when Christine was alone. She hated all of the smiles and laughter and joyful actions that that she dished out that were all pretend. Fake. She was a fake. She believed her parents needed to have a “perfect” child as validation that they were perfect parents. She believed the same about her “friends”. They liked her because she was popular and if they hung around her, they would be popular, too. That’s exactly what happened. All the nice things she had contributed to her fake identity. She felt alone and often cried when she was by herself. She tried to fill the emptiness she felt with some of the things she bought. She felt closer to her stuffed animals and dolls than any of her friends. With her stuffed animals and dolls she could be herself -- plain, simple Christine. No frills, no make-up, no one to please. She could tell them how she felt, and they didn’t want anything from her. She could laugh, or cry, or do nothing at all, and they sat there with no judgement. Living up to her parents’ expectations of her was exhausting. She always had to be “on” any time she was around them. Her friends expected that, too. Even her teachers seemed to treat her more special than other kids in her classes. But she wasn’t. She was just a normal girl underneath all her pretentiousness. She so wished she could be treated like she was normal. She envied the plain girls who were unnoticed. But she noticed them. She noticed how they were themselves. She noticed how they were left alone. She wondered if anyone in their lives expected anything from them. She suspected not. Christine was positive that if anyone…her family…her friends…her teachers….ANYONE, knew what she was really like underneath the façade they saw every day, they wouldn’t like her. She didn’t like herself. So much so that she was hurting herself. **************************** Both girls were in a dilemma. It seems both girls were feeling worthless. Why? In Mary Ellen’s case, negative childhood beliefs were triggered when she thought of all those people looking at her, judging her. She had been treated as though she had been worthless throughout her childhood, and, now, even as an adult, she still felt that way. Not all of the time. Well….. most of the time. Christine was not treated disrespectfully. In fact, Christine was treated royally. ALWAYS. She was also feeling worthless. How could someone who has so much love and attention all her life feel so bad about herself, you might ask. This is what I think. From the time we are babies, we respond to our parents’ faces. They smile, we smile. They frown, we frown. As children we want to please our parents. They smile, we smile, everyone is happy. They frown and we are devastated. So, we learn what makes them smile so that they are happy. We even believe that we are in control of their happiness and all we have to do whatever it takes to makes them happy. Christine was no different. She loved making her parents happy. All she had to do was walk into a room where either or both were conversing. They immediately stopped what they were doing and directed their attention to her. Love and affection. She loved it. Now that she knew all she had to do to make them happy, she learned to manipulate them. She loved being able to manipulate them to do or give her whatever she wanted. What she did not understand, though, was that they were manipulating her.
Every time they said to her “you make me happy” they were telling her that she controlled their happiness. In other words, “do what you need to do to make us happy, so that way we know we are good parents. Pretend if you have to.” She got what she wanted, and they got what they wanted. That was until Christine didn’t like playing the game anymore.
She didn’t want to be responsible for their happiness anymore, but she didn’t know how to be Christine without playing the game. She began to realize that everything she did, even the boyfriends she had chosen were boys that she knew would be approved of by her parents. Looking pretty, being smart, belonging to certain groups, even her choice of colleges was for them. She wanted it to stop. She wanted to be Christine without her parents in her head, smiling every time she did something to please them, which was EVERYTHING! Career 𝗖𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 Sarah loves being a pharmaceutical rep for a reputable drug company. Even though she works long hours, she couldn’t see herself doing anything else. She makes good money, has a nice house and everything that goes with it. She even has a beautiful, state-of-the-art office in her house. But she has a major problem. Sarah is an unorganized procrastinator. It takes forever to get the necessary forms, drug samples, and any additional document together in order to get out the door before noon. She should be leaving her house by 8:00 AM, but there are all those notes she wrote up at each doctor’s office that have to be entered into the computer, request for additional drug samples, a brief synopsis of what she did the day before for her team leader.
In addition, there are follow-up email that need to be typed up and sent out to the doctor’s from the previous day, and a presentation for the next team meeting. Most of the time Sarah felt so overwhelmed she couldn’t really enjoy her beautiful home or the job she loved. All she wanted to do was stay in bed with the covers pulled over her head.
At her wits end and about to lose that amazing job for not meeting quota because she didn’t work enough hours, she started having panic attacks.
𝗠𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱…..
Let’s start with Mary Ellen and Christine. Even though they appear to be direct opposites, they are very much alike in their sense of feeling worthless and low self-esteem. They both needed to look at when they first felt worthless. That meant going backwards before moving forward. Working through issues that caused low self-esteem in the first place isn’t always easy, but it is necessary.
Sarah, on the other hand, needed someone to help her with issues that were keeping her stuck in a formula for failure. In order to move forward in her life, Sarah needed help with organizing her life, beginning with setting career goals.
Her goals did not involve paperwork or entering notes into the computer. She hated having to keep everything in her office, mainly on her desk, in order and filed. She loved it when it was, but that wasn’t very often. Eventually, the disorganized mess is what kept her from leaving the house early, and even though it was close to noon when she did leave home, her desk was still a mess and she accomplished little or nothing before she left the house.
She was always taught a disorganized mind causes a disorganized life. Even though there may be some behavior and/or patterns from earlier in her life that need to be looked at, the immediate concern was what needed to take place in order to get her moving forward in her career. That was setting goals.
Her goals were all about being the best salesperson she could be. But the task of keeping her office organized, entering info into her computer, sending out email, etc. had to be done and she hated it. What could she do?
In order to effectively reach her goals, she had to find a way to let go of the part of her job that ultimately kept her stuck. She realized that if she added another doctor to her sales list, she could afford help without dipping into what she was already making. So next on her agenda was enlisting a part-time administrative assistant.
From there, Sarah was on her way to getting unstuck from negative patterns to becoming a successful saleswoman.
****************************So, you may ask, why did Mary Ellen need counseling and Sarah needed coaching. They were both professionals who struggled in their jobs. What is the difference?
This is the difference. Mary Ellen’s inability to speak in front of audiences directly related to her low self-esteem. She wasn’t just stuck, she was consumed with fear of failure. So much so, she passed on a speech that she put her heart and soul into preparing because she couldn’t bear all those eyes on her judging her. Sarah, on the other hand, was stuck, mostly because of external issues. She hated having to be the one to keep her office organized. Although she may have past issues related to being disorganized, she may not. It may be that she just does not like that aspect of business. Period. Sarah needed someone who could help her list her goals, and find practical, professional ways to reach those goals. Like many individuals who work from home procrastinated, not because of what makes then love their job, but because of the parts of the job they hate. Like Sarah, many, if not most, salespeople hate the tasks of paperwork. For others, it may be making calls and soliciting new clients or customers. Still others may have childhood messages keeping them stuck. In that case, they may need both counseling and coaching. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 The most important thing is taking the first step. Simple as that. I believe strongly in the healing power that counseling/coaching can have for each individual, and I commend you for taking this courageous step. I draw from a range of modalities and tailor my approach to meet the specific needs of each person.

Feel free to 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗰𝘁 me at any time.